Letter to Quang

This is a letter to an old friend of mine, who passed away due to blood cancer. He’s my age, tall, and had a unique sense of humor. I wrote this piece a year ago on his birthday. May you rest in peace buddy!

Happy Birthday, Quang!

I wonder how you are right now. Hope you're being pleasant somewhere gaming your days away, carefree, pain-free, worry-free.

As a friend, it's my duty to keep you in the memory as long as I can. So you can live on, in some shapes and forms. And write it down is just one of the best ways to materialize the memory. So here we go.

You are THE MOST positive human being I have ever met, no doubt about that. You're funny in a very unique way that attracts people. Tall. All in all, a very cool guy. I don't even know why did we get along. I was such an awkward bitter guy who complains all the time. I guess it was because we both shared that weird sense of humor, one that does not come across too well with many people. But those who get it loved it.

I still remember that outrageous moment you spoke to my face, casually: “why do you always complain?”

I — with the self-esteem of a starfish and ego of a shark then — felt absolutely offended. Yet, that very me kept going back to your criticism, and painfully admit to myself: “he's probably right”. That was in secondary school.

Why would your criticism go through my defense system? I guess because I felt the genuine in your tone. Of course, you were mocking me, but behind that, I feel, you cared. To this day, I have to thank you for that line. It made me conscious of an unhealthy part in me that was blinded to myself.

Then we parted, you went to the UK for high school. I was jealous of you back then. Forgive me, buddy, I didn't know any better:) My life was a mess then and I considered you as one of my best friends. Yet you lived a totally different, healthier, happier life. Well, of course, I felt that way.

But a part of me, and I have to give this to myself, was happy for you as well, knowing that you’ll be happier than you ever before. We all know that the West suits you.

Then I learned about your condition, totally by chance. Still, remember the day I chat with you on the good old Yahoo platform, I was physically stunted. I really feel bad for you at that point mate. Tt’s just so unfair! Why does it have to be you? What's the odd?

But then things got brighter, you fought bravely, you won the first battle. None of us knew it was just the first battle of a long hard war. But hey, things wouldn't have changed anyway. If we knew, it might only worsen your life for the next few years, and for those around you too. So maybe not knowing is for the best.

We met again years later, you looked healthy, happy, positive, had certain charms with the girls ;) you said you’d be on pills for the rest of your life but hey, that's fine. Such a small cost for a promising life.

Then life took over, we lost contact again for a good few years. I still think about you now and then during that time, but never really tried contacting you. Well, maybe this is a thing that I can blame to make myself feel better, but Facebook was a big thing then, and never, ever I saw you online. I was just assuming that you're enjoying your life. I know you're a capable person, so you were just busy building your way into the world.

Life got me good in those few years also, my whole world expanded and changed dramatically. To the point that on the morning I saw you online on Facebook, I was in a timezone +4 hours ahead of Vietnam, and you were -12h behind.

And I learned the continuation part of your story, my heart sank again.

The cancer came back, more viciously than ever. You have been suffering from the disease for over a year now.

I kinda feel mad at you at that point ya know? I mean, cmon, am I not one of your best friends? I shouldn't learn about this fact only by accident.

Only later I found out, it's just your way. You don't want to bother anyone with your problems. You hide all the pains and tiredness and suffering, all for yourself. Hearing our conversations then, I bet people wouldn't think you are the one having a fatal problem among us.

I glad that I bumped into you that morning. Now thinking of it, I should have done it earlier. Its no point waiting for you to go online to ask if your life is ok. Just ask away, right?

We had a good few months, talking a few times every week. Things don't look so bad then, we talked about our future, what would you do when you're out of the hospital, what would I do, talked about gaming, about girls, talked about visiting each other from across the globe.

But one thing we never talked about, is the life leaking out of you, by the day. And, at some point, it ran out.

I never knew your condition was getting worse and I hope you didn't know either. Like I said, not knowing at the time, could be for the best.

I could talk more, but from then on, those are not memories of you, just memories of me dealing with the death of a dear friend. So let's end it here.

You were full of hope man!

Rest in peace.